And, of course, bad memoirs.

I'm fascinated now by the idea of writing badly (on purpose). I bought a book in the Quarter called Sound and Sense: An Introduction to Poetry, and there's a whole chapter dedicated to the distinction between good and bad poetry.

Here's an interesting quote:

"And here, perhaps, may be discussed the kinds of poems that most frequently "fool" poor readers (and occasionally a few good ones) and achieve sometimes a tremendous popularity without winning the respect of most good readers."

Wow. There are even good readers and bad. Funny. I'm pretty impressed by anyone who reads these days.

But let the chap continue:

"These poems are found pasted in great numbers in the scrapbooks of sweet old ladies and appear in anthologies entitled Poems of Inspiration, Poems of Courage, or Heart-Throbs."

Fascinating. Tell me more, oh wise critical thinker.

"The people who write such poems and the people who like them are often the best of people..."

It's obvious to me that you think so. But, please, go on. Tell me more. Tell me more.

"...but they are not poets or lovers of poetry in any genuine sense. They are lovers of conventional ideas or sentiments or feelings, which they like to see expressed with the adornment of rime and meter, and which, when so expressed, they respond to in predictable ways."

Pedestrian bastards. Leave them to their limericks and Britney Spears. Hooligans! They shouldn't be permitted to even read! Away with them! They probably think that "The Naming of Cats" is about naming cats! Leave the good poetry reading to gray-skinned old farts in turtlenecks and spectacles!

And, let me say, for good measure, any modern poet who opts to rhyme should be banished to the deepest pit of literary hell.

Now, here are some helpful hints from our friend that we should keep in mind when we began to write our own drivel for the dribbling, drooling half-wits who paste poetry into scrapbooks.

Bad poetry is sentimental. Weeping over infants or young lovers is a great start. Rhyming "kiss" with "bliss" is a nifty way to ensure emotional overindulgence in your bad poetry. "Love" and "dove" work well also. Please, do not rhyme "child" with "pedophiled." Such a poem may tiptoe into the realm of quality. Wait. Never mind. They rhyme. So use it, if you will.

Bad poetry is rhetorical. Our friend tells us that rhetorical poetry "offers a spurious vehemence of language--language without a corresponding reality of emotion or thought underneath." So be sure to use lots of high-falutin' words when describing minutae. For example:

Oh! aleatoric meter maid,
Thou and thine polyester-clad sisters
art in collusion against my
vehicular mode of transport,
my gold-winged apoplectic Toyota.

And, finally, bad poetry is didactic. So feel free to get on your soapbox and have at.

If you have any further questions, please email me at:

pompousass@mamacriticizedmypoemsbeforeieverhadachance.com